Commitment

Commitment is a very hard word apparently. I suck at this blogging thing. I suck at sticking to a workout routine. No really, I do. However, I feel I may be able to get better, maybe. Only time will tell. I know these are things I said, thought and felt so many times before, but this time I feel a little differently. I realize with my husband gone so much I need to find an outlet for frustration, for creativity, for motivation and for letting myself know its ok, even when I feel so sad and tired I don't want to do anything.

Over the past few years many things have changed and heaved and rearranged in my life. Jobs changed, both for me and my husband. With those changes now means he will spend significant amounts of time away from home, and I am realizing I am more dependent on the companionship of another human than I would ever like to admit. I've let the depression and apathy monster get the best of me, I've put on way more weight than I'd like to admit. I've started and failed at so many attempts to better myself and become a healthier version of who I am now. I am hoping that just journaling my thoughts through a blog may help with many of those things. So here it goes again.

Today was my new beginning. I ran a comfortable 1.5 miles, I wasn't any of the things I thought my out of shape self would feel. Instead of sore and tired and weak, I felt energized and good for the first time in a while. Here is to commitment to me and making myself what I know I can become.

Sometimes when you fail, you don't

I rode the struggle bus hard this morning on my run, or at least I feel like I did. Map My Run says otherwise. Its funny how it seems when I feel like I'm at my worst, my numbers seem to be better. My speed increased today versus the past couple days. Maybe I pushed myself harder and I just feel like it was harder (I suppose that's how this whole fitness thing works). I did change up my music. I guess a little Mamma Mia did the trick, thanks ABBA!

3 weeks into the Couch to 5K program. I'm still pretty pumped. However I'm more proud of the inspiration I have given to my friends and co-workers. My boss and another friend at work have both started the C25K and we've been more inspired to talk to our patients about health and fitness goals over the past couple weeks. A little accountability goes a long way. This is the first time I've really felt like I can't quit because I will not only disappoint myself, I'll disappoint so many other people. I'm still terrified of the prospect of running a half marathon in 25 weeks. Eek!

Tomorrow is a new day

Tomorrow starts week 2 of my training. So far so good. I still feel pumped, I still am excited. I also received my first donation towards my fundraising goal (thanks dad!). Although, I have been slightly lackadaisical about my food intake this week. Its funny how easy it is to slip back into your junky eating habits. I still love my chips and salty, crunchy snacks. Bad habits are hard to break.

Each day is a chance to make better choices and tomorrow is a new day. I am truly blessed with friends and family who help keep me honest. I have 2 friends who have been checking in with me frequently to see how I'm doing. Its amazing how much that little bit of long distance support can take me. Running is a wonderful solo activity, it allows for a great amount of introspection. But knowing I have a team of friends encouraging me and cheering me on is one of the best feeling ever.

Day 1 Week 1

Yesterday I resigned from a job I have had and loved for a long time. Had loved being the operative word. Sometimes even a little push from a higher force is all it takes to jump headlong into an empty pool. Not sure yet if I will crash and burn, but we'll see. I have not had to "look" for a job in a long time, nor have I really had to think about what I wanted to do. The whole thought of embarking on a new chapter in my life is a bit scary, but its odd really, I'm not as worried as I thought I'd be. I know it seems a bit cliche really, but for the first time in a long time I am relying truly on a higher power to guide my way, or as a lot of people I know would say, I have finally "let go and let God". I am putting my faith in God and hoping that the path I am on will lead me in the right direction.
For the past few days I have been discussing, quite frankly mostly to myself, but also to a few friends and family members, about things I could do with my life. Those things, some realistic, some not, and some potentially somewhere in between are these:
1. re-open the Curves franchise across the street (moderately acheiveable)
2. go back to school (not sure)
3. sell my organs (not realistic, just threw that out there)
4. begin applying for any and all retail jobs I can find (frankly my last resort. I want out.)
5. join the circus (again, these are just ideas)
6. write a book (actually, kinda one I'm thinking I want to do, just not sure how realistic)
7. restart my massage practise (logical interim decision)
Thats the list so far, small and limited, but my life is a work in progress. Which also correlates to the to do list I have for my life that I started before I left my job. The biggest of those was to lose weight and get healthier. That was how the idea to potentially write a book and my mom's suggestion of starting a blog came to be. So I will start here and see how my writing skill progress.....